A Brief History of Earth

Once upon a time there was life and even though bad things happened it was basically good. For some reason though everyone was ambivalent about how good it was, and also they were bored, because even though they didn't realize it things were pretty good, and all that it seemed like they had to do was have sex with each other, which was pretty fun, and would have kept things on an even keel. But because they were ambivalent about their goodness and also stupid they decided to turn sex into something that they thought was bad, because of what it actually entailed and because of how it made people act. After outlawing sex though, which they did immediately (Society is made when a series of interpersonal relationships are formed between more than a few people, society builds language, society introduces an outlet for sexual energy, and society requires rules that must increase in number as the size of the society increases) they got even more bored and the procreative sex that they decided was still good started to seem really inconsequential, so they set about fucking everything around them instead. This was progress, and while everyone was really excited about it--and rightly so, because it taught them about awesome and fashionable things like wearing panthers as capes which made everyone really happy--some people realized that if things changed life might stop being good. At first these people were listened to, but they were ignored pretty quickly after everyone went home to have sex with their spouses and remembered how boring it was. So they kept fucking everything around them, and it was great for awhile, as technology grew to the point where a person, even a particularly weak person, could kill enough panthers to make everyone in his family fashionable capes. Then specialization happened so everyone only had to do one thing all the time and society grew and whenever somebody started to think that all this fucking was actually as pointless as fucking a spouse they would write or paint or make music the substance of which was designed to make life seem profound and meaningful. And even though a lot of new bad stuff started happening, everything was still pretty good. Except for sex, which was still considered really bad, probably to make sure everyone still fucked everything all the time.

Then after every known corridor of land had been properly fucked into submission everyone started fucking the ocean until it took them to new pieces of land that they could fuck. Except there were already people on that land, and rather than trade stories with those people about the different ways that these different societies had fucked their land, it turned out they hadn't fucked anything at all. Somehow they decided it wasn't that bad to just fuck each other for eternity. This obviously seemed weird and stupid, so everyone did the only thing that made sense and just fucked those people in addition to fucking their land. They'd eventually feel really bad about this, but not for like 400 years.

Now some people back home instantly felt that all this fucking had finally taken them to a terrible place, but those people were women, so their opinions were stupid. Things on the whole were still pretty good, especially art and music and writing, which had reached a fever pitch of economic profitability because by some good fortune it was decided that the most successful people of all--the fuckamosts, if you will--needed to understand the depth of life most of all. And I forgot to mention that at this point life was atrociously bad for a lot of people but they were all proles who didn't know how to read so none of them wrote about it. They just kept believing that sex was bad but they had it anyway and their lives were bad but they got to have a lot of sex. Eventually a guy named Friedrich Engels spent some time in a street overlooked by a lot of really shitty apartments and wrote a book that was a lot worse than anything Charles Dickens was writing about the same thing, but that had the extreme fortune of getting found by a guy named Karl Marx who was probably a genius (usually defined as someone who doesn't think it's wrong to have sex but still doesn't) who wrote another book that not only described how bad things were for most people, but also drew up a plot for how things could get changed. This plot essentially involved a worldwide revolution led by dumb people who couldn't read, and you might be shocked to hear this, but when people started taking it seriously it became responsible for a lot of terrible things happening. In fact, things got so bad, and the world order (which had by this time actually more or less settled down, thanks to the failed actions of a French Fuckamost and some geniuses who thought everyone should get back to the business of improving their own societies) started to look like it really might give way to a warlike new psychotic evil, that people started to think they really might have pushed life all the way towards just being a bad thing. They even got retroactively guilty about fucking all those people in Africa, and did the only thing they could think of doing, which was to let them vote. They still wouldn't let women vote though, because women were still stupid.

Anyway most of the evil anybody had seen yet paled in comparison to the super evil, which was personified by this German supergenius, who, by the best accounts of psychology, just had a bigger and better dick than anyone alive, and wanted to fuck absolutely everything harder than it'd ever been fucked before. He got pretty close, but he was stopped by most of the rest of the world because things really weren't that evil yet. Life was certainly capable of terrible evil, but people still were able to stop it. Everyone felt pretty good about that, and president of the United States decided to create a country for some people who'd been fucked over a lot, although how much exactly isn't clear because the people who were telling us they'd been fucked over for 5,000 years were the same ones who were telling us it was bad to have sex.

But he created that country, which pissed off a lot of other people because instead of creating it really he just took it from them. Those people went to the Soviet Union and the Soviet Union agreed that the United States definitely marked a wrong direction in the progress of the world, and before anyone could really celebrate the smackdown they'd just delivered to evil almost every country on earth was involved in a sort of Mexican stand-off that led to a lot of extraordinarily good books being written about war and paranoia. That was the 70s, which everyone thought at the time was a very bad period but they were wrong, because what came next was considerably worse.

Anyway during this Mexican stand-off a lot of Americans started thinking that the Soviet Union had it right even though most Russians were a lot worse off than they were. But someone started bandying around the expression "late capitalism," and a German semigenius who lived in San Diego wrote a book about how much America was suffocating all the things about life that made it worthwhile, and how at this point people couldn't even go back to sex because it would have been like making a cute joke to your wife who you haven't been civil to in 10 years. But I'm not here to debate the merits of any of these arguments, the point of all this, and why things are so much worse now than they were during the Cold War, is because about two years ago a couple of men were allowed by the government to come together, and given hundreds of millions of dollars by an American company, to meet with hundreds of other working professionals in the entertainment industry, including a couple extremely expensive American celebrities, to spend a year and a half of their lives, which they could have spent doing anything in the world else, to make a product that was well received by millions of Americans, made twice as much money as it cost, spawned billions of dollars worth of retail merchandising, cemented careers for two young individuals, and, though it was poorly received by them, taken seriously enough to be reviewed by film critics, who are the last arbiters of taste in this country. And that product, the endgame of positive human development, a cancerous, bloated, vile, vicious, ugly commodified product of anti-talent, a cultureless blob, a hackfest, spectacle so shallow as to suggest there is nothing beyond the spectacle, a gaping, raping pile of pure evil, was a movie that includes the line "What you are about to see is top secret, do not tell my mother." This is the bad. I've seen it.