The Greatest Show on Earth

The spirit of mystery that pervades awards shows in general makes their decisions hard to argue with to the point where most people eventually give up. What was your favorite movie this year? Was it True Grit? Are you gonna be mad if The King's Speech beats it? But the Grammys are so unrepresentative of both quality and popularity that its mystique is irrelevant to the point of seeming like it would be embarrassing. The state of music today is as good as it was in the 60s, if not the best its ever been, and I think that has a lot to do with Pitchfork.

As far as I can tell Pitchfork came to prominence in 2004 with Arcade Fire who's success they claimed (probably rightly) to be responsible for. But now their status as tastemakers is undisputed, to the point where the backlash has reached the point where once I saw a guy checking it in public and when I asked what they were saying he clicked off it and started talking about something else. As part of the hip nexus, everyone has some relationship to Pitchfork, and I've noticed they fall into one of three categories. 1. I hate Pitchfork and whenever I check it it confirms my hatred by saying Nicki Minaj's pop album is disappointingly generic without entertaining the notion that probably what happened was that she decided she wanted to make ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS and it wasn't some dearth of creativity so get over yourself because you gave Tapes n Tapes like an 8.5. 2. I read Pitchfork compulsively but am truly ashamed of this and lie about it but if someone presses me I'll say I read it for the news. 3. After countless hours of soul-searching I have decided I am not ashamed of who I am and today I proudly stand up to say I love Pitchfork.

Pitchfork has become the Establishment and as such everyone is aware of its considerable faults. But consider what a world without it would be. Like all revolutions it came into existence out of a dissatisfaction with the status quo. In 1991 how many options did people have to hear about Pavement. Spin Magazine? Sure, maybe they were hipper. The aging hipsters who read Robert Christgau might have been aware of them. I suppose they were occasionally played on MTV. But the point is everyone was a lot more reliant on the mainstream to get their music choices. There wasn't a large scale alternative option. And I don't know what the scene actually was like back then, but I imagine it just created a more elite and considerably smaller brand of hipster that had less in common with everyone else.

Now alternative music is a huge culture, regardless of Pitchfork's flaws. This isn't the case with movies. In fact my suspicion is that what the music scene now would look like without Pitchfork is about what the movie scene looks like. We still get our movie options from mainstream sources. And I'm vaguely aware of an indie film culture, but it has no bearing on the decisions average people make. The Establishment still stands. Even heavily alternative-seeming movie websites like Chud that lean towards film-nerd culture still spend most of their time circulating Hollywood. So when the old white nepotists at the Academy release their ten best movie selections, that matters to us because they're pulling from the same pool we are. We're all watching the same movies, so they get to retain their status as tastemakers.

The Grammys on the other hand are just sad. There's still a feeling of legitimacy that they retain, but I only know this cuz I saw a video once where the white guy from TV on the Radio was complaining about not being nominated. Otherwise the alternative culture made the established regime so irrelevant that its started to kowtow to it. Which means this year, in addition to Eminem, Lady Gaga, Katy Perry and Lady Antebellum, Arcade Fire has been nominated for best album of the year. They probably won't win, but it doesn't matter; their inclusion spells the irrelevance of the award. Because if we are rewarding quality over popularity or likeability, why wasn't LCD Soundsystem nominated? Or Hot Chip? Or Broken Social Scene? Or The Fall? And on the other side, Arcade Fire has crossover appeal sure, but they're not huge. If you're trying to legitimize the mainstream, someone like M.I.A. who has become massively successful and still gets mad crit-love also released a record this year, and, voters, let me tell ya, it was pretty interested in the popular American psyche.

Mubarak is dead. Long live the army. I love it every time a blind stumbling dinosaur dies. Pitchfork and I have that in common. But just for fun, I want to go over my picks, from the options provided by Grammy, of the best music of the year. Here it goes, and if my choices here mirror what happens tomorrow night, someone let me know, because I can almost guarantee I won't be watching.

Album of the year:

"Empire State of Mind" was released in 2009, and I'm not a farmer or a Mayan, so I'm disqualifying it on the grounds that Grammy needs to figure out what years are. "Love the Way you Lie" is actually a great song and probably one of the most accurate accounts of spousal abuse one hundred million Americans are ever going to hear, but I just want Cee-Lo to win the award because he'd put it on his bookshelf and his friends would congratulate him on it. So I choose "Fuck You." Also I wonder if they're going to call it "Forget You" or if they'll just all get censored when they talk about it.

Record of the year:

A great collection. Between a washed-up Eminem, a country singer crossover (I'm just guessing based on sounds, I've literally never heard of Lady Antebellum before today) Lady Gaga and, Katy Perry, I suppose I ought to go with The Suburbs, but I won't. First off, I grew up in the suburbs, so I should relate to this record, but I don't because I don't live in a Victorian play, so I don't relate to anything Win Butler says. Second, its kinda boring, right? I want to give the award to Eminem to apologize for snubbing him for his great single, also I think he's a genius. I'm discrediting Lady Gaga because her success and the size of her spectacle make her the most establishment choice possible, and not only that, her talent and edge ensures that if she wins the one-dimensionalist capitalist villains who made it possible will get to congratulate themselves publicly. Mostly I hate all these options so I'm giving it to Katy Perry. Congratulations girl, try to use that enormous talent for good.

Song of the Year:

Cee-Lo! Just kidding. This one can go to Eminem. It really is a great song. Maybe someone can explain to me the difference between a song and an album. Does the album include the b-side? If so that might explain why Ray LaMontagne got nominated for something that sounds about as old as b-sides. Miranda Lambert, you're boring girl.

Best New Artist:

If you're still not convinced the Grammys aren't real, listen to this. Justin Bieber was nominated for an award. That means that a room full of people decided that a 16-year-old kid who's public persona is essentially an apparatus for show-biz women to make underage sex jokes about was the best something they heard or saw all year. I don't even see how this is something you can explain. Does his nomination mean this whole big award show is just a scheme to make money? Perish the thought, they also nominated Florence and the Machine and, wait for it, Esperanza Spalding. I nominate Mumford and Sons, who are new to me as of this morning, and really solid. In fact they're Scottish so I'm sure Pitchfork's said something about them.

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance:

"King of Anything" is a charming song I like just fine but I'm not sure it's a really strong vocal performance. If pop music is an objective barometer of any measure of ability it's pipes, and the hottest talents generally can sing better than anyone else. So with that I'm going with Beyonce for a song that I find generic and boring but that she really lays it out on.

Best Male Pop Vocal Performance:

Adam Lambert? I've never heard of almost all of these. Ergo I'm skipping a lot of categories.

Best Pop Vocal Album:

Katy Perry in a totally unpredicted sweep beats out Lady Gaga in every category. Guess dumb jock girl sentimentality beats Gaga's spidery affectations. Who would have guessed.

Best Solo Rock Performance:

John Mayer is literally the only person on the list under 60 years old. That said, he's also probably the least talented. My thing on Rolling Stone magazine isn't so much that they're pandering to a new audience as that they think they'll remain successful if they write about all the same people that made them successful in the 70s. A part of me thinks Grammy might be similarly archaic. Paul McCartney's not even being nominated for a new song. Apparently the version of "Helter Skelter" he recorded at a concert in New York is one of the five best rock performances laid to tape this year. I don't want anyone to win, I want them all to die. But the image of anyone besides Mayer walking up to the stage to accept the award is causing me to be upset. So give it to that dude.

Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals:

"Ready to Start" by Arcade Fire. I don't even like that song. I'm starting to really regret this project.

[I want everyone to know I'm skipping Best Hard Rock Performance]

Best Alternative Music Album:

Contra - Vampire Weekend


I quit. I quit before I got to rap. Drake is nominated for something. Thing is, Drake really can't rap. Please everyone watch a rerun of the Simpsons tomorrow night.